i've been playing around with the blog a bit. that feather is up my butt again (as it is each year) to devote time to the blog... "i'm going to make a concerted effort to really be consistent and post often."i've had it in my brain that i need to wait until january and catch the new year resolution wave of momentum, so i have things planned starting next month to go along with that. but i also have this itch to write, to be creative... problem is, i have no idea where to begin. it's kind of the opposite of writer's block. soooo many things have been going on and changing this year and i kind of wish i would have been writing about it all along. if you read my last post, you know the huge change in our lives, and if not, i'll wait for you to go read it...

i wrote that in august, months after my life was picked up, shaken up like a bottle of coke, and then opened to spew all over the damn place. but in august, i was beginning to find my place again, i was beginning to feel happy again, i was embracing the relief that can tag along with the end of a not-so-great relationship. the dark clouds had begun to dissipate and the sun was beginning to shine again.

going through a divorce is real big fat deal in one's life, even bigger if you're 4 and 7. i've spent a lot of time with the littles, and if i'm being honest, trying to get my bearings by spending time away from the littles. it can be a little weird changing your labels: from "married" to "single" and "wife" to "single mom." ok, it can be a lot weird, unnerving, enraging, frustrating, sad, but also, as i said before, relieving...

a lot of really super duper freakin' awesome things have happened since august too! i feel like a whole different person, re-experiencing things with a totally different perspective than i had been for 6 years. i've picked up my hobbies again and recommitted to my etsy shop! i'm feeling more inspired and motivated than ever and i can't wait to get back into blogging.

i haven't blogged. in forever.

you know that old saying,

"when life hands you lemons, make lemonade."

and you know that other saying,

"when life hands you lemons, grab the salt and tequila and make a margarita."

yeah, i've taken up "margaritas" as a hobby lately.


so, where am i going with this?

i've been going through a divorce. the majority of my marriage has been one big lemonade stand, and the divorce was a lot like taking those earnings from that proverbial, and lucrative, lemonade stand and taking it to a patio to wallow in my own margarita sorrow. it's been 4 months and 20 days since i found out that my husband was not at all who i thought he was. it's been about 2 months and 20 days since i realized that maybe i did know and chose to sugar that lemonade instead of adding salt to the rim.

i was looking through this blog and came across this post in the "love" section, written just one month exactly before my husband walked out of my house and never came home. he'll tell you i asked him to leave, i'll tell you i had a reason. a damn good reason. but now, looking back at our relationship as a whole, we both had our reasons.

am i still thankful? of course i am. i have so much to be thankful for. when i read the words now that i wrote then, are they still true? of course they are, because that was me in that moment, regardless of what was going on that maybe we were both denying. marriage and love and family and life are hard. real hard. real, real hard sometimes. but there are other times when life is simple, and lovely, and full of love and life.

four months and twenty days seems like a pretty short amount of time to decide to divorce your husband, even for me, and i'm living it. did i want my marriage to end? no, i wanted it to last forever and a day, til we were old and moldy and changing each others diapers while our great grandkids ran around like the wild banshees we were. do i feel like i failed? absolutely not. i put in a tremendous amount of effort to make both of us happy and provide a happy life for our children. and yes, marriage is work, but should it be a "tremendous amount of effort?" probably not. no, definitely not.

definitely not. not when there are easy breezy days on the patio with your kiddos and the wind in your hair and a smile on your face and happiness and contentment to be had.

do i miss him? i sure do. every day. i married him. i planned my future with and for and around him. he was supposed to be my partner and support and my shoulder to lean on and my hand to hold forever. but you know what... even though i may look pretty awkward trying to rest my own head on my own shoulder, i've found my own two feet again. and those were made for standing on my own. and i am grateful that through it all, i can do that... stand on my own. with a smile.

so, when life hands you lemons, i guess you can make lemonade... but one of the main things i've learned about myself through this entire ordeal, is i don't have to wait around for life to hand me anything. i can get up and go get what i want out of life.

and i prefer lime and coconut in my margaritas.

cheers.

days like this... gorgeous weather. a breeze through open windows across the house. late coffee on the patio. fluttering butterflies and birds chirping. the dogs playing and rolling in the grass, basking in the sun. my handsome husband and happy children. this slow and lazy sunday has given me time to reflect. reflect on love, life, and family.

in this moment, i am content.

i am thankful for my husband.
he frustrates the crap out of me sometimes.
he's stubborn as hell (as i sit here and watch him fight with a tent. he's losing).
he often forgets to take out the trash.

i see these traits in my youngest especially and i adore him for it. i have no concern that my daughter will know how to hold her own as she gets older.

he is also patient, and kind, and a genuine, humble man. i see these characteristics in my son and i know Cohen will grow up knowing how to treat people, and especially women, with love and respect.

he is a super, fantastic, kick ass dad and a devoted and loving husband.
he is creative and artistic.
he is great with words.
he is romantic and thoughtful.
he is a really good listener.
he's the most comforting shoulder around.
he makes me laugh every day.

he is my best friend. my confidante. the person i've chosen to share my life with and build my life around. he is my end all, be all and i love him for it. he's also pretty damn handsome.

i turned 31 this weekend. thirty one. i am officially an adult. ok, fine. i've been an adult for awhile now. i have two kids, i'm married, i've purchased many appliances, i can buy booze without people carding me. all things that are supposed to be what adults do, but now i'm "in my thirties" and that seems to be the most grown up thing. even at 30, i didn't feel the need to lump myself in with ALL of the other 30 somethings, i mean just days over a year ago, i was in my twenties... but now? now, i need to get my shit together.

you know how you had this idea of what it would be like to be "all growed up" (as cohen says it)? you'd get to do whatever you wanted, no one was gonna tell you what to do, you could eat birthday cake for breakfast if you wanted. you'd live in a big house and drive a nice car and you'd be rich and have a really cute husband and even cuter kids. well, most of that has happened. i don't actually get to do whatever i want, i do whatever my kids want. no one tells me what to do, but sometimes i wish they would. i definitely have absolutely no problem whatsoever eating cake for breakfast. my house is big enough and my car is pretty nice. i'm rich in love with my super cute family.

one of the things you never quite paid attention to as a wee lad, is when all of those grown ups told you "stay young, slow down, quit trying to grow up so fast." i guess part of not being an adult is thinking you know everything.

so, as i begin my 31 years, i've spent some time reflecting on my life.... where I was 10 years ago - dancing on bars, drinking it up, partying my face off, meeting every single person who walked in front of me and making them my new bff. 5 years ago - a single mom, struggling, learning to keep my head above water, realizing I could make it on my own. where I am today - thirty something.

and where i want to be.

well, where and who do i want to be in the future... five, ten years from now?

that one is harder. something happens as you get older, you become more comfortable, more content with the present. you're not reminiscing on the "good ol' days" or desperately looking to the future for the next best thing while missing out on all of the awesome happening around you. there are some things i'd like to focus on this year though...

1. be more organized
2. find more time
3. be as creative as i wanna be
4. sing more
5. quit yelling
6. keep my car clean... trunk too.
7. spend my days off doing more fun things
8. come up with and actually stick to a family budget
9. start multiple savings accounts: retirement, college fund, travel, new house, "just cause"
10. lose 31 lbs.
11. read more
12. blog more
13. purge the entire house of anything that doesn't speak to or represent me
14. redecorate the ENTIRE house
15. go on a cruise
16. just travel more in general
17. weekend getaways with the kids (and alone with the hubs)
18. call my grandparents more
19. spend more one on one time with each kiddo
20. spend more one on one time with my handsome honey
21. purge the negative, overdose on the positive
22. make my etsy shop a successful priority
23. organize the "Annual BAB Retreat"
24. quit smoking
25. spend more time on myself
26. learn to love exercise
27. go to bed earlier
28. write a book
29. pay off all debt
30. grow a garden
31. quit procrastinating

oh man.